Disney, in one of its more prominent exploitations of a franchise (I think the candle still belongs to the Fantasia game that came out for the Genesis), has unleashed onto us Buzz Lightyear of Star Command: a videogame of the cartoon show that exists inside the animated feature universe of "Toy Story." Confused yet? Well, don't worry, the game certainly won't have you scratching any heads unless you're talking about the gameplay, cut scenes, sound effects, control, graphics, CD art, manual word phraseology ... Well, okay ... the manual is all right and so is the art on the CD but ...
In a move to secure the title of producing the most redundant video games of all time, Disney/Pixar's game studio has basically re-released Toy Story 2 with different textures and sound effects. Bravo work, guys.
The platformer essentially consists of a format a la Crash Bandicoot, where Buzz runs along a path fighting enemies, spewing heroic lines and all in all just trying to, uhh, get to the end of the road. Where the actual gameplay comes into question is that the game has you racing, competing or just following the evil villain throughout the level. It seems as though Buzz can only arrest the evildoers at their GETAWAY point. So after completely pointless little dialogue exchanges usually having something to do with Buzz saying, "I suppose you won't give up peacefully" and the requisite evildoer cackling and replying, "Never!" It is here the chase begins. The whole point, of course, is to arrest the bad guy at the GETAWAY point. But don't you worry--it gets better. While you're trying to get to the GETAWAY point, it seems everything is in your way and trying to prevent your success. That'd be good, right? (Yeah, if the game developers weren't in on it too.) While Buzz is pursuing the evildoer you have two extra enemies in addition to all the bland robots and tentacles flying at you: the camera and the control. In all fairness, you are allowed to configure the camera between rotational (where the camera swings somewhat loosely in the direction you push Buzz) and directional (where the camera remains locked onto Buzz and it becomes insanely difficult to jump in any other direction than Up and Down, but it is nice that they tried to at least allow the player to configure the horrible camera to suit their own misery. On the issue of control ... if you're playing this game, just hold forward. Don't try and do anything fancy ... just hold forward. Turning Buzz around is like trying to navigate a bear through a mouse maze. And when there are about a hundred things firing at you from all directions--these sluggish, unresponsive controls do not help out Star Command at all.
And believe me, once you get to the third level you'll be screaming at the game. In this level, you're to follow the bad guy (who is seemingly a vampire that lives in the woods during the day?) while he drops bombs onto the path that you need to disarm-all the while on his way to the GETAWAY point. Of course, to make it screamingly impossible, Buzz has been placed on a floating skateboard that goes really fast. First thing you know, there is a little countdown timer of thirty seconds and you need to backtrack all the way back through the level to find the bomb and about ninety-nine percent of the time you won't make it because you need to turn Buzz around before you can start back-tracking!
But still, there's more! These bad guys are so bad that once they get to their GETAWAY point ... they don't GET AWAY. They wait for fifteen seconds (what methodical villains). If these fifteen seconds pass by, Buzz erupts into a blue mist signifying that you have just failed the mission. I wish I erupted into a blue mist whenever something went bad for me. If you do get to the GETAWAY point, you get to fight the evildoer until they fall unconscious so that you can (finally) arrest them.
The last thing up for discussion regarding BUZZ LIGHTYEAR OF STAR COMMAND would definitely have to be the cut scenes. I always thought cut scenes were used to tell a story ... not so, here. Locations change dramatically (a volcano to a bedroom?) between the game and the cut scene. Clothes change (Buzz' gear changes from his armor to a ... black turtle neck?) dramatically and it fades out so quickly you're bound to get dizzy wondering what exactly just happened. The only logical explanation was that these "cut scenes" were merely amputated from the cartoon show that airs (check your local time and listings!). What sort of hack attack is that? I'd rather have a cohesive story that's told from TEXT over a still (original) image than these short little blurbs that seemingly have nothing to do with the game you're playing other than that they share similar faces.
In conclusion my friends, my mother always taught me to end rants with something positive: I liked some of the music (but it wouldn't surprise me if it wasn't stolen from something else). Face it guys, I played this one so that you don't have to and can successfully do something all Star Command officers should do: avoid this game as if it were a plague that will consume all you love and all you hold close to your heart. What makes this worse is that it is not only a shamelessly bad execution of an exploitation of something (Toy Story) but it's a shamelessly bad execution of an exploitation of an exploitation (the "spin-off" carton show). I want my Looney Tunes. I want my Looney Tunes now.
-Jake
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